See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

I can picture all the times Kim Kardashian was slumped down on a wide-seat, plush couch with shoes on complaining that she is so tired. I feel that so hard to the core right now as I’m dealing with a cold that makes me feel like I was hit with a dump truck filled with DASH overstock. I am struggling to power through this episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians.

Every year, I slurp the Met Gala up, refreshing my Instagram feed like an overcooked vegetable just wanting to get that dopamine hit - what is Celine wearing this year? Oh BOOORING Ezra Miller is wearing a dress. Anyway, I was excited to see the lead up to Kim’s 2019 Met Gala look. I was shocked to see that Kim and Khloe actually saw what Kris was wearing to the Met Gala and didn’t stop her, this seems like sabotage to me. Somebody call the police.

It’s fitting that I started this recap talking about how Kim complains that she’s tired all the time. I get it, she seems really busy. She has to get in full glam, do a photoshoot, study for law school be a mom, sit in meetings, squeeze herself into a corset and latex dress and repeat it all again and again and again. Seeing her waist in that corset was mind-boggling - her body looked completely insane. Although, I get the “campy” vision that they were going for now; they were exaggerating her body to an extreme. 

This whirlwind week also happens to be the due date of Kim’s fourth baby is due; so she decides to have a CBD baby shower that looked like the Calabasas version of Midsommar. 

It was nice to see an episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians where Kim was praising Paris Hilton and the influence that she had on her life. It is true, Paris looks just like she did in 2003 and it’s blowing my mind. As she put it, she has “reverse Benjamin Button syndrome, that’s hot”. I’d like to think that they have had this supportive friendship and mutual respect for each other but I’m sure that there was some drama over the last 15 years. 

In the spirit of friendship, Paris asked Kim to be in her new music video. Kayne said that her song was “bomb” and that she should ask French to have a verse on it. Honestly, I am suspicious of his opinion. 

This is a very Kim-focused episode, so to sprinkle in some additional storylines, they showed Kourtney being robbed by one of her employees. She seemed pretty relaxed to be hacked and having thousands of dollars stolen from her but I guess that’s the privilege of being filthy rich, just sage your problems away. 

On the night before the Met Gala, during Kim’s final fitting, Kanye decides to tell her that he’s not into how she’s showing off her body and that he’s not into the corset because he’s on a different journey now. Honestly, I could barely make sense of what he was saying, but I was proud of Kim for standing up for herself and telling him that she can do her own thing too. I can see how Kanye’s energy has probably influenced a lot of what she’s done over the years and he probably has a hissy fit everytime she disagrees with him. 

As this episode is airing approximately 5 months after the Met Gala, we all know what everyone looked like. Kris wore this terrible blonde wig and I have no idea who let her out of the house, Kendall and Kylie looked like the evil stepsisters in Cinderella and Kim was dripping in latex and urine? Listen, I love comfort so much so it’s completely unfathomable for me that I would spend an entire evening with my organs squeezed into a Pillsbury biscuit can, not being able to pee and being OK with peeing on my legs if necessary. This is a commitment to fashion that my raggedy ass will never understand. 

Despite the hectic week, Kim is able to make it back to LA before her surrogate gives birth. Unfortunately, her baby is breech and needs an aversion? These are all terms I just learned and I don’t exactly understand how this works, but seems like it’s not good. Ultimately, we know that the baby was born and let’s hope that the surrogate was OK too. Anyway I need to put myself in a Nyquil induced coma now, until next week my five faithful readers. XOXO.  

In the last two weeks since the last Keeping up with the Kardashians episode, Travis Scott and Kylie Jenner have reportedly broken up. Literally a few days before, I read their Playboy article about why they work. I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the whiplash of being in a public relationship. One week you’re telling the world that you’re best friends and evolve together to having your breakup being on TMZ the next week and the Internet blowing up with Stormi reaction memes of Kylie and Tyga. IS LOVE EVEN REAL?! MOST OF THE CONTESTANTS FROM LOVE ISLAND HAVE ALREADY BROKEN UP THIS SEASON! HANNAH BROWN IS STILL SINGLE! Sorry, this moment has made me feel emotional, must be the changing seasons and that I haven’t received my Skims promotional box yet. In all reality though, odds are that two, young, 20-somethings would be in a lifelong committed relationship like that are slim. 

This episode starts with Kourtney trying to get her family to come with her to Finland, on her quest to find her “true home”. If her hillside, Beetlejuice wet-dream mansion in Calabasas with on-demand matcha, mating tarantulas and lucite tables isn’t her “true home” then I don’t know what is. None of her sisters want to go to Finland, but as Scott is now a good dad (AKA, production is no longer showing him be a major drunk asshole) he doesn’t want to miss a vacation with the kids and decides to come along with his girlfriend, Sofia. This seems like a terrible idea to me.  

While sitting on her couch with shoes, Kim tells Kendall that Saint is going to perform at school and that performing is not his “strong point”. On the other hand, my own twin flame, North West is a performing star. I’ve seen those Sunday Service videos, she’s got some killer moves but what she really needs is to have Abby Lee Miller coach her like a show pony. Speaking of Abby Lee Miller protoges,  turns out that JoJo Siwa has personally invited North to come to her house to film a video and Kim was struggling with the decision of if she should become the next Kris Jenner and pull a “you’re doing amazing, sweetie”. There is something so weird and sad about JoJo Siwa, is she going to have to be a permanent child with bows, unicorns, sequined sneakers and a 150K, diamond-covered Rolex? What about when she becomes a woman and wants to talk about grinding in the club or whatever? 

Malika and Khadija are Khloe’s lifelong BFF’s. Healing from the fallout of the relationship with Tristan, Khloe is a bit of a wet blanket when it comes to wanting to party for their birthday. If I was going to this party, I would also be a wet blanket because O.T. Genasis didn’t play until 2:45 AM?! I mean, by 2:45AM, I’ve been laying in bed for at least 5 hours trying to sleep but being kept up by my chronic insomnia. It seemed like Malika was at an 11, she was lit up. I don’t blame Malika for getting annoyed with Khloe, she was being pretty dramatic, but also, it’s 3AM and she was wearing a mesh bodysuit, I’d be cranky too. 

As expected, the Finland vacation is pretty awkward. This is Sofia’s first time on KUWTK and it’s nice to see her get along with Kourtney but the entire logistics of that situation makes my brain hurt. After popping Scott’s neck zit at the dinner table, Sofia mentioned that Scott was more “mature” around Kourtney and that he acted like a child with her. Different relationships, different vibes, different inside jokes. It’s weird for Sophia, it’s weird for Scott and it’s weird for Kourtney. 

After abruptly leaving “Santa’s workshop” (something that Mason was just completely over and didn’t get out of the car to check out), Scott was in typical Scott meltdown mode where the pessimism and negative energy was just seeping out of his pores. Honestly, it seems like Sofia and Kourtney are good sports, they were wearing matching bikinis and hats. Nothing bonds you more than matching, metallic bikinis. After a pep talk from Kim over FaceTime, Scott confronted Kourtney about his behavior and she told him that he should just enjoy their time and forget about the bullshit. This seems like very zen advice for someone who refused to move around the schedule for the Christmas card.  

Speaking of pep talks, seems like Kris’ Lip Kit success story really inspired Kim to let North film with JoJo Siwa for her YouTube channel. After seeing the edited version on YouTube of this video, North did seem shy, but she’s a kid! Kids are shy and weird! While filming, Kim was sneaking around JoJo’s house and FaceTimed Kanye to show him JoJo’s merchandise room. This is the kind of wild, cheaply made merchandise that made the Olsen twins billionaires by the time they were 18. Whoever is managing JoJo has struck gold; so to answer my question earlier as to what she will be like as an adult? I think she will be a chainsmoking, baggy-clothes wearing fashionista that can be retired and not do anything for the rest of her life. 

At the end of the episode, Kourtney and Scott end up having a good time in Finland and finally see northern lights, Kim is happy that North got to have her JoJo experience and Malika apologies to Khloe for her bad behavior. Honestly, I’m so damn tired right now, I don’t know what else to say. Until next week, my five faithful readers, XOXO. 

I am skipping watching the Emmy’s to spend my Sunday night with the show most likely sweep all categories at the Emmy’s, Keeping up with the Kardashians. I did see that Kendall is wearing a latex turtleneck and everytime I see this much latex, I feel physically uncomfortable at the idea of how sweaty she must be - like jumping in and out of a vat of oily beer cheese. This is my second recap today, feel free to visit my very late recap of episode #2. 

This week’s episode starts at Kimora Lee Simon’s Korean spa where the Kardashian sisters get their “anus scrubbed”. I’ve had many scrubs at Korean Spas, they’re one of my favorite things in the world, you literally come out of there feeling as smooth as a baby seal. I would recommend this to Kendall tonight after she peels herself out of that latex turtleneck. I’m assuming they were trying to keep their modesty, but you get these scrubs totally naked, no tiny thong to cover up your business!

This season, Khloe is still dealing with the fallout from Tristan cheating with Jordyn Woods. At Kim’s house, over some printed out Pinterest board redesign of Chi’s room, Khloe tells Kim that she is going to therapy with Tristan to help with co-parenting. Kim thinks that her and Jordyn should have a chat, as Jordyn is (was) Kylie’s best friend. This is the definition of the idiom “you don’t shit where you eat”!

After being robbed at gunpoint in Paris and hearing of armed robberies in Hidden Hills, Kim has decided to step up her security. This means that when Kris Jenner waltzes into her backyard for a “daily visit” to get a “bottle of water”, she is now stopped by security. I feel like if I was one of the Kardashian/Jenner’s, I’d be like “MY FACE IS MY ID!” I can’t even imagine how expensive Kim’s security detail is, which is probably why she launched Skims and her new makeup collaboration within one week. 

Last season I saw Khloe wrangle Kourtney’s kids as she slept during the entirety of a 15-hour flight to Bali, so I have an idea of Kourtney’s style of parenting. I’m not a parent and I am super lenient to my cats so I am in no position to have any say in this, but it is super uncomfortable to see her children hit her. Mason got in trouble at school for threatening to beat up a kid at school over a ball. This seems like typical kid stuff but Kourtney told him that he could go to a playdate afterwards and Scott disagreed. I wonder if it’s because the nanny quit and she had to do a cryo session with Khloe? I think it’s interesting that Kourtney is allowing for this to be filmed and open for public criticism because parenting can be a really touchy subject! 

In an attempt to talk about the elephant in the room, Khloe decides to take a day trip to Napa with Kylie. In the plane, Khloe and Kylie talk about Stormi’s 40th birthday, and Kris starts to cry as she realizes that she won’t be alive to see it. This very real moment realization of our mortality and inevitable death really struck me and is still making me feel uncomfortable. Khloe lightened up the moment saying that she would be there with her face set in stone and dripping in Kris Jenner diamonds. 

Keeping up with the somber mood, Kris said that she would like to be buried in a marble wine casket. This seems like a great idea to me, so she can be rolled into Stormi’s 40th birthday party and be there in spirit. 

During a session of “EmSculpting”, Kourtney complains to Kim about her security. I’m curious as to what all of these lasers do, do they actually work? It’s not like I’ll ever have the money to find out. 

Back in Napa, Khloe and Kylie have their heart to heart about Jordyn while Kris is off looking at churches or something. Kylie is chilled as a cucumber and says she is in a good place right now - I feel like nothing about this situation is resolved (as in, we’ll continue to hear about it this season) but they had to get this moment on camera to move on. After their talk, they jumped on some ATV’s and rode around a winery. This doesn’t sound safe, but there are no rules when you’re rich at a winery. 

In celebration of Foodgod legally changing his name to Foodgod at the Kardashian’s favorite eating spot, Nobu, Kourtney shares with her family that her nanny quit after Penelope scratched her in the face. Corey, Kris’ boyfriend, said that if Penelope scratched him in the face he would “whoop” her ass. This not only sets off Scott, but also makes both Kim and Kris stress eat their cake. I feel like it’s still unclear, but it seems like Corey MEANT that if he was Penelope’s parent, he would spank her but he was not backing down from Scott questioning his comment. It seems to me like Corey is the type of person that is never wrong, and once again, after stress eating her slice of cake, Kris ends up in tears. 

The next day, Foodgod is picking up Kim to get froyo, but first we see him complain about the security. There is so much complaining about Kim’s security in this episode, I wonder if something is about to happen? While on their way back from froyo, Kim receives a frantic call from Khloe that her security tackled Kris Jenner. She pulls up this CTV video which shows Kris, in a black Adidas tracksuit get tackled. Kim freaks out and runs to her mommy on a stretcher only to find out that she was being pranked. This is the kind of somber ass prank that would piss me off so much. Who knows if Kim was in on it, but that was just too much! Who does that? 

The episode ends with some home footage of Kourtney and Corey talking about the incident at Nobu. Again, it’s unclear to me what he meant, but he reassured Kourtney that he wouldn’t hurt her children. Kourtney and Scott talk about their checklist chart and their parenting style to round off an episode where they seem like they let their children run wild. Until next week, XOXO my five faithful readers. 

I am a week late on last week’s Keeping up with the Kardashian’s recap, but last Sunday I was in Japan “looking crazy” as Kim would put it, eating a ton of egg salad sandwiches from 7-11 and dealing with some of the worse jet lag I’ve ever experienced. I admittedly tried to watch some of my shows as a way to deal with my jet lag, but as it turns out, network streaming services are not available outside of the U.S. My mind feels like it’s filled with sake and Jell-O but my priority as I am back home is to catch up on my shows. 

This week’s episode of KUWTK starts at True’s birthday party; Khloe is upset that there is drama, but we can all agree that having your ex/baby daddy at your child’s first birthday so soon after you break up may cause some tension. Good thing that Khloe got that matcha cart for Kourtney, because Kourtney was ready to console her sister with a matcha tea in hand.

The next day, while aggressively tossing the first-pre packaged salad of the episode, Khloe talks about the drama at True’s birthday, as Kim picks at Khloe’s salad. I don’t know if they just have an abundance of these salads, but if I was Khloe, I would tell Kim to back off. 

After getting a positive blood test result for lupus or rheumatoid arthritis, Kim has a hand ultrasound which shows that she has psoriatic arthritis as a symptom of her psoriasis. I’m sure that this came as a relief, to Kim, who needs to her hands for aggressively texting and eating pre-packaged salads. 

Kourtney is evidently having some sort of crisis over turning 40, but she still needs to get an outfit for her party. While eating the second pre-packaged salad of the episode, she tries on a few outfits which Kim immediately shuts down by glancing over her phone screen. I personally have a hard time knowing what to wear and I basically only own T-shirts and jeans, so I can’t imagine the pressure you feel when you have infinite amounts of options. These are the Kardashian problems that I could never understand. 

This dress-fitting started a classic, petty, Kardashian fight between Kim and Kourtney. During a fitting for the Met Gala, Kim shows Kourtney her Thierry Mugler look over FaceTime, which Kourtney immediately shuts down. Unbeknownst to Kourtney, the whole Mugler team was there and apparently, Kourtney’s manager had reached out to them to work together in the future. DUN DUN DUN! Then, Kim’s stylist tells everyone that Kourtney’s stylist was at Rick Owens pulling all of the replications of Kim’s custom look for the CFDA. DUN DUN DUN! Then, before going to an opening celebration for The Robert G. Kardashian Center for Esophageal Health, Kim and Kourtney having a screaming match, where Kim tells Kourtney that she is a “fake humanitarian ho”, which, personally, I feel is at the same level of calling someone a “poo head”. 

This fight cuts deep for Kourtney, because, as previously mentioned, she is having a pre-40 existential crisis and can’t stop crying. What I also learned from this episode is that Kourtney is one of those “Disney Family types”. She genuinely seemed touched to receive a bag shaped like Mickey Mouse’s head that looked like a kettlebell and cried when her mom gave her framed photos of the Disneyland parking markers. These gifts inspired Kim to squash the fight by giving her the most touching gift of all, a vintage Gianni Versace dress to wear to her birthday party. Did anybody else notice the edited apology to Thierry Mugler over FaceTime? Was that really necessary? 

Finally, the time for Kourtney’s existential crisis is over as everyone celebrates her 40th birthday party. I had a few observations about this party, first, I wish I had pink cowboy boots like Penelope, second, are Kourtney and Younes Bendjima still dating? Also, Sia is a saint for dealing with Robin Thicke hot-dogging through “Happy Birthday”. This was like watching Beyonce and Jennifer Hudson at the 2007 Oscar’s but where one of them just gave up. There there Robin, you can have your moment. 

The episode ends in Palm Springs for Kanye’s Easter Sunday service at Coachella. I love that Kourtney is having a poolside photoshoot as the millions of Kardashian offsprings splish splash around the pool. I’ve long said that Kanye’s “Sunday Service” looks like a Midsommar cult - having said that, I’d probably love it if I went. After the service, Kris Jenner hosts a big Easter Sunday celebration that would have me unbuttoning my pants. Can you imagine what those kids get in their Easter baskets? Also, I’m not sure why they kept the audio of Kanye laughing as he chased around Saint. Was it to show how he’s a family man? Who knows, anyway, until later tonight, XOXO my five faithful readers. 

It’s been 3 years since I started 1800PizzaGirl and I’ve probably watched over 100 hours of Dancing with the Stars (half of it begrudgingly). After doing recaps of Vanderpump Rules last season, I realized that I prefer writing about shows that I actually enjoy watching. It took Sean Spicer has a “celebrity dancer” and approximately 5 minutes of deliberation to realize that I should finally tackle the behemoth, Keeping Up With The Kardashians. I have been watching this show for the last 12 years; I’ve seen it all and have been glued to my TV, breathing in the gardenia oud, rose-colored reality TV perfection. I feel ready to tackle this beast, are you? 

The season 17 premiere starts at Khloe’s house (honestly, I can’t really tell their houses apart anymore with all of the cavernous, white furniture) with Khloe looking like the cowardly lion at the end of the Wizard of Oz. Unfortunately, they were no pre-made salads to be seen, but in true KUWTK fashion, Kim tricked her mom by giving her a positive pregnancy test. This episode we can tell early on that the narrative will follow Kim being tired with swollen hands, Khloe dealing with the fallout from her relationship with Tristan and Kourtney is scared about turning 40. 

It’s clear to me that Tristan is a real asshole. Everyone knows what he did, but his actions as portrayed in this episode are inexcusable. It’s not OK to harass your ex to get back together - what is the point of sending Khloe $50,000 worth of artfully arranged roses? So he can gaslight her that their relationship is worth having for the sake of their child? It’s not normal for someone to repeatedly call you to the point that you’re not able to use your phone. HELLO! That’s harassment! He is using power and control to make her uncomfortable and make her feel resigned to getting back together. I also don’t know what Khloe is like in a relationship, but I feel like her choice to not be with him is ultimately better for her! So Tristan, leave her alone!

Kourtney is turning 40 and Khloe wants to throw her a birthday party. Kourtney doesn’t like parties or using toilet paper as a Kleenex, but damn it, this is her 40th birthday party and it should be celebrated! Decade birthdays can really mess with your expectations of what you thought your life would be like and I feel sympathetic to Kourtney feeling so lost with this “milestone” birthday. Can we all agree that Khloe is a saint for offering to throw her a birthday party though? Kourtney gives her a nude photo to use for her invitation and then complains that it’s embarrassing when she sees the invitation later. 

One important thing to note about Kourtney’s birthday planning is that we got our first sight of a pre-packaged salad while a tearful Kourtney told Khloe that she didn’t think her life would be like this at 40. 

I feel like, for the past 12 years, I have been watching Kim in various states of tiredness, I mean, for a woman that has so many jobs, she loves to lounge with shoes on the couch. Last season, Kim had carpel tunnel from using her cellphone too much - which honestly, I thought was only something that teens addicted to Snapchat would get, but it turns out it could be something worse like Rheumatoid Arthritis or Lupus. As a side note, anytime that we see the Kardashian’s go to a doctor, I wonder if they get to just call a doctor and go when they want or they have to wait to see a specialist like us regular peons? 

I need to get whatever hair growing treatment Kourtney got where she got a face mask while being injected in the scalp by three different syringes to promote hair growth. 

Can we just all appreciate Kim’s most faithful golden retriever, Jonathan Cheban AKA The Food God for feeding her an Oreo shake and ranch covered onion rings? Is this the kind of adoration that you get from fame? Here I am feeding myself like a sucker! I feel like there is nothing that he wouldn’t do for his lady. 

As Khloe has been dealing with the mounting pressure of her relationship with Tristan, she has to plan the most extravagant first birthday party for True and consider whether to invite him to the party. Of course, all of the Kardashian’s have their opinions on whether Tristan should come to the party, but ultimately, it’s up to Khloe. Seeing Tristan’s behavior, he would have probably crashed it even if he wasn’t invited. True’s first birthday party is the kind of wasteful party that True won’t remember. There is also the added weirdness of the day where she starts watching KUWTK and sees the drama between her parents. Are the thousand balloons and flowers necessary? What happens to all of this stuff when the party is over? It probably ends up at the Calabasas dump, past Caitlyn Jenner’s Malibu house, underneath the patio at Nobu Malibu and into the Pacific Ocean. Think of all the turtles that are probably going to choke on True’s first birthday rainbow balloon wall! Well, at least it looked nice. 

I love the kind of insanity that surrounds their lives that the Kardashian’s rationalize having matching outfits with their children. This is straight out of “Mommie Dearest” and I can not wait to see how this unfolds in the future. 

The episode ends with Khloe getting emotional as Kim confronts Kanye for speaking to Tristan for “too long”. Apparently, Tristan was mad that they used “Runaway” during their teaser for the episode where Khloe finds out that he kissed Jordyn Woods. Well, Tristan, you probably shouldn’t be kissing your girlfriend’s, sister’s, best friend. God, that is a mouthful. 

As this is my first time recapping this show, I was not prepared for how fast-paced the cut scenes are. They really fit a lot of content in these episodes! Anyway, until next time, XOXO my five faithful readers. 

Here we are, the season finale of Vanderpump Rules. What have I learned from doing these recaps? I think Tom Schwartz might be my favorite character on the show, Scheana deserves a better edit than a horny cat lady, mashed potato bars are $300?!?! I would also like to personally hire whoever designed James and Raquel’s puppy party flyer. After having a high-intensity weekend of seeing Endgame, watching 4 out of the 5 Twilight movies and Game of Thrones, I am looking forward to being lulled into a daze by the finale Vanderpump Rules.

Brittany and Jax are getting ready for their enchanted forest engagement party. As a changed man, Jax is not complaining about the $3000 flowers and the mirrors that Brittany has been hoarding from Ross for the last three months. 

The rest of the cast are getting ready for the party. Lala is wearing a Gucci headpiece that probably cost more than Jax’s and Brittany’s flower wall. Ariana is prepping to confront Lisa and Tom Sandoval is very stressed out about it. Scheana, our sweet, sweet, Scheana, tells Lala and Kristen that she adopted a penguin for Adam but he’s still mad at her for sleeping with the brunette model.

Officially uninvited from having any fun with the cast of Vanderpump Rules, James takes a break from sulking around West Hollywood to get some therapy. James is still drinking a few beers or shots to be more “James Kennedy” to stop thinking so he can live in the moment. This is the same rationalizing I use when I feel “emotionally compromised” drink a bottle of KJ Chardonnay and talk myself into eating an entire Home Run Inn pizza.

Since the engagement party is in Topanga, the cast and Brittany’s family take a party bus. You know who isn’t on the party bus? Peter! The only person on this show that actually works at SUR that probably had to work a brunch shift before sneaking out to go to this party. One fun little nugget from this bus ride is that we find out that Adam DOESN’T GO DOWN ON SCHEANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK PEOPLE! I’M SEEING RED NOW. It would be one thing if Scheana wasn’t into oral, but after bragging that the brunette model went down on her for 30 minutes after cooking her steak and zucchini… but… more on this later.

Now we’re finally at the engagement party, which happened way faster than the opening of TomTom. Even though she is not a bridesmaid, Lala gives Jax and Brittany the gift of a PJ to Cabo. This is a very generous gift and I would endure a vacation with Lala and Randall, hell, I’d sleep in between them and make them scrambled eggs in the morning to go on this trip.

Tumblr is probably going to tag this post because I talk about oral sex and fuck boys.

After seething through the entire party bus ride, Adam pulls Scheana aside at the engagement party. First of all, Scheana has problems, she’s insecure and deeply wants to be loved. Adam is a big FUCKING BABY! I get so infuriated when these boat shoes wearing fuck boys think it’s OK to string along women for 9 months by saying that they’ve been “upfront” that they’re not “ready for a relationship”. I bet Adam would spend every night at Scheana’s and probably cuddled with her fucking cats and ate her cereal. Adam’s fragile masculinity is hurt by some guy that ate out Scheana? BOOHOO! Cry me a river! It gets worse! As Scheana is trying to spin this story that she wanted to teach him a lesson and that she thought about him the entire time, she was also carrying around the penguin adoption papers and making him hug her. It’s all so sad and pathetic and stupid and I’m tired of seeing women with low self-esteem get strung around by some Paul Ryan interns that won’t go down on them. I hope that in future seasons, we see Scheana have some self-respect and stand up for herself and FUCK THESE FUCKING FUCKBOYS. BOY BYE!

Fueled by some lukewarm tequila, Ariana confronts Lisa about how she treats the Toms. This goes pretty well, as Lisa isn’t usually to keen on criticism. As Ariana was defending her man as the hardest working man she knows, the edited a brilliant shot of Tom Sandoval giving Tom Schwartz a beer bong.

The MVP award for the best VPR boyfriend of all time goes to Beau. In comparison to all the other men on this show, Beau is an angel. There is something about the season finale where Lisa sits down with Stassi’s boyfriends - last season, Patrick told Lisa that she had a nice ass, this season, Beau tells Lisa that he wants to marry Stassi. I’m glad that Stassi mentioned her mom’s toxic behavior again and how that has shaped her as an adult and how she treats her boyfriends. 

As we’re nearing the end of the episode, it is very clear that Brittany’s dad is not into his daughter marrying Jax. Can you blame him? Apparently, Jax lied about living with Channing Tatum, WHAT KIND OF MONSTER WOULD DO THAT? I’m sure that Brittany’s dad being unhappy with Jax will be a theme next season as they get ready for their wedding. Hopefully, when the time comes and Scheana has another meltdown, she can find comfort in Brittany’s memaw again.

Lisa has always taken her job as the madame of this deranged group seriously, so it was only fitting when she asked the DJ if she could give a speech. Has anyone else noticed how brilliantly white Lisa’s teeth are this year? I think she got new veneers.

The season ends with Lisa doing a beer bong.

And that’s it for the seventh season of Vanderpump Rules. I don’t think I will be recapping the reunion shows but I will be watching. Until next time, XOXO my five faithful readers.

With two episodes left of this season of Vanderpump Rules, my expectations that this season is going to end with a bang are pretty damn low. Other than Jax and Brittany’s $8,000 engagement party, what is there left? 

While setting up for “Brunch with Billie”, Ariana points out that she doesn’t like how Lisa is condescending to the Tom’s. She is right, Lisa is disrespectful to everyone and she will not take your shit if you call her out on it. Lisa doesn’t have to admit that she’s wrong, she lives her life through rose-colored lenses with mean swans, little horses and dogs with alopecia. Lisa doesn’t give a shit if you think she’s mean and she’s aware that whatever little affection that you get from her will feel like you’re being bathed in diamonds and have been licked on the mouth by Giggy.

Jax and Brittany are getting ready for their engagement party and Brittany’s family has traveled all the way from the blue-grass state, Kentucky, to enjoy their mashed-potato bar extravaganza. It never ceases to amaze me how much of a piece of shit Jax Taylor is. He talks about how he “bought” Brittany’s brothers baby, which is just the kind of self-righteous bullshit that Jax would think about.

During “Brunch with Billie”, Scheana tells her not-boyfriend that she is going on a date. Adam doesn’t want a relationship, but he also doesn’t want Scheana to see other people but I think that ultimately, he doesn’t want a relationship with Scheana.

With her entire family in town, Brittany goes wedding dress shopping. Brittany is obsessed with getting married, she is walking around that bridal store like Snow White on a coke binge. Kristen declares that she would be the best maid of honor, but Brittany has other plans. She has asked her best friend of 20 years to be her maid of honor and Katie to be her “matron of honor” because she’s married? We all know that this will piss off Kristen.

Carrying around a jewelry boxed filled with his father’s ashes, Jax decides to get a tattoo of his dad’s handwriting on his arm. He should get an urn, but I like the idea that’s carrying around a little box with some tape keeping the box closed.

For the past 15 episodes, James has been moping around West Hollywood trying to get his job back at SUR and I’m tired of seeing him whine in front of Lisa. I don’t even care about James and Lala’s insincere conversation outside of TomTom. BOOHOO! Let’s move on.

At the Scheana’s “geographically challenged” apartment, her date is cooking her a steak and roasted vegetables. Scheana slurps down a giant glass of wine and places her hands near this guy’s very precariously placed jean holes. Scheana’s edits are so shady, they keep showing shots of her cats and cutting in these awkward makeouts with whatever Republican intern that slid in her DM. You know she let them film her do this so she can make Adam jealous.   Let Scheana be good as gold in peace!

Continuing with the theme that Brittany seems like she wants to get married more than she wants to marry Jax, she invites all of her bridesmaids to lunch at PUMP. As predicted, Kristen was jealous not to be picked as maid of honor, but hopefully, she deals with being just one of Brittany’s 13 bridesmaids with grace.  During the lunch, Scheana is upset that her BEST FRIEND, Adam, is mad at her for going on a date. Dump the chump, Scheana, you’re better off having threesomes with Spurs and Lakers and Dodgers.

The episode ends with Jax getting grilled by the men in Brittany’s family about being an asshole. Jax handles this grilling the best way he can by aggressively eating some fried food and chugging vodka. Next week is the season finale of Vanderpump Rules, this season has sailed by and what have I learned? That I need botox. Until next week my five faithful readers. XOXO.

Has anyone thought about James “Puppy Pawrty” flyer circulating in last week’s episode of Vanderpump Rules? Why was there a little dogs behind them? Why did they both look like the movie poster from Step Brothers? Who is James looking at? How are Raquel’s teeth so white? Honestly, I feel like this is the only thing worth thinking about because this week’s episode of Vanderpump Rules was a drag.

The episode starts where our royal highness, Giggy, graces us with his presence over a medley of couscous and rose at SUR. Lisa asks Katie if she can host her ladie’s night every Tuesday, but Katie is not a club promoter and thinks it’s too much work. This is how they’re going to work James back into “See You Next Tuesday”.

I’d like to think that Tom serenades Ariana with a “dick flute” on a daily basis as she sits quietly being cooled by their 15-year-old AC unit. Unfortunately, I think it was just to show off his mad “dick flute” skills to DJ Jamie Kennedy for his next single.  During this visit, James gets upset, he storms off but he’s not done, he comes back in only to start crying, like the lonely, insecure boy that he is.

At this point, Stassi wasn’t done writing her book but she clipped in her hair extensions and slurped approximately a gallon’s worth of a latte so that she could get the shot for her book. Beau and Katie take the time to talk about Stassi’s “dark passenger” as she most likely spent 30 minutes peeing out that gallon’s worth of latte.

Jax and Brittany have gone to therapy twice this season. It doesn’t seem like they go outside of filming days and it’s weird and uncomfortable to see how much control Jax has over Brittany. He talks over her, at her, and pretends that it’s news to him that she would still have trust issues. He even said that cheating on her made her a better person. WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE DOES THAT??? Oh, right, Jax Taylor. 

After a teary dinner, new BFF’s Ariana and Kristen, go over to some club to watch Lala perform her new songs. Randall is not at Lala’s performance, but he provided the coin the pay for her wool suit and Tito’s vodka.

James and Raquel’s “puppy pawrty” was as weird as that flyer. A major takeaway from this event was that Raquel’s mom thought Peter was attractive, which is about damn time that someone appreciates him.

Before Lala admitted that she had a drinking problem outside of SUR, she made sure to let us know that she is still having the runs from Mexico. I hope that sobriety brings her the peace that she needs to be happy and that her BM’s are solid.

For some reason, Tom Schwartz thought it would be a funny idea to get $50,000 to show that he is serious to Lisa after his first check bounced. I thought that it was pretty hilarious that he was trying to pee while having the case full of cash handcuffed to his wrist. I also thought that it was pretty funny to see Ken bust out laughing when he opened the suitcase. Ken only does two things, sleeps and yells at Kyle. I think this is the most active and happy that I have ever seen him in the last 10 years that I’ve bee watching Lisa Vanderpump.

In an effort to get rid of her “dark passenger”, Katie and Stassi visit an oracle to perform a demon-ridding ritual. While Stassi did not like to have Kristen sageing her at the “lizard brain” party, she let the oracle do this to her, because she really means to get rid of this demon. You can see how years of trauma and bad behavior has shaped Stassi’s “dark passenger” and I hope that as trivial as it seems to have an oracle push out a demon, that it helps her tame her anger.

Anyway, I think this episode was pretty boring so I apologize if it’s brief and sloppier than usual. I just didn’t have it in me today. Until next week, XOXO my five faithful readers.

I’ve been so preoccupied by the seemingly eternal opening of TomTom that  I had no idea that Lisa was opening another bar in Caesar’s Palace called Vanderpump! I almost feel like I need to go back to my favorite place to be my most basic, trash self; my favorite gold-crusted anus, Las Vegas, just to have one of Stassi’s Meltdown shots. If there is vodka in that thing, then I’m definitely going to have a Mexico-style Stassi breakdown.

Last week’s episode of Vanderpump Rules left on a “To Be Continued…” of a Tom Schwartz and Katie vacation fight. No one knows how long their fight was, except for the production crew, the editors and their neighbors Ariana and Tom Sandoval; but ultimately, they made up once Tom acknowledged that he was neglecting Katie and threatening to infect her with love.

Back in California, Lisa Vanderpump is working on the floral arrangements for TomTom as “Fluffy” watches in a pink macrame sweater. She assures Tom Sandoval that she’s able to hold the fort so he can wade around in his $500 fins and fishing knife. Although EVERYBODY CALM DOWN, Tom has made sure that they have enough Aquafaba to last the 3 days while they’re in Mexico.

During their beach dinner, Kristen proclaims that she has small ear canals and that she will have a “freak out free” vacation by drinking in moderation and sleeping in a king size bed alone. Ariana decides to pull Lala to the side to tell her that she has been a real monster and to find her if she starts seeing red. Lala doesn’t care, all that Lala needs is her baby bottle, her “man” and for her man to pay for the PJ.

Earlier in the night, Stassi suggested that they should go skinny dipping. Later in the night, fueled by tequilla and probably gas (I think that’s what makes her so angry), she tells Beau that he needs to suck the FOMO up and go to bed with her. This causes the first part of her meltdown, but also creates a hilarious FOMO pill commercial as narrated by the VPR dude.

During this time, Tom Sandoval also farts on Jax’s face. This is super gross, but no one said anything when Jax used Tom or Ariana’s Sonicare to wash out his fart mouth.

The next day, Tom Sandoval arranged a “Wild Trek Adventure” where he could bring his leg knife (why?) only for Scheana to take a sexy pic with it to send to Adam which he ignores and pisses off Scheana. Jax warms Stassi not to scare off Beau.

Back at TomTom, Lisa shows the TomTom chef how to make a vegan bolognese, is there anything she doesn’t know how to do???? Maybe apologize to her Real Housewives of Beverly Hills costars for propagating the dog-gate story. 

One thing this show has always been great at, is doing a great party montage. The amount of booze that this cast can drink is truly crazy. Speaking of crazy, Kristen is tired of being called crazy and she had a very tame moment confronting Jax about the hot tub pillow-gate. Maybe sleeping in a king size bed alone really does wonders on her.

As the night goes on, the drunker they get. Ariana who’s normally cool as a cucumber is dancing on a stage with a man in a gorilla suit. Katie is humping her husband with a look of contentment that only comes with the power of pegging. Lala is crawling on the floor and making the DJ play her music and Jax rode a donkey? Stassi, seemingly the only sane one at this point, doesn’t want to go dance on stage because she is wearing a maxi dress with Spanx.

The episode ends with a Beau and Stassi fight about how she wants him to sleep in a bed with her. A fight that I’ve had with my boyfriend not wanting to come to bed with me at 8:30PM on many occasions because he’s playing PubG. Beau calls Stassi’s meltdown her “dark passenger” which is a Dexter reference that I haven’t thought about in nearly a decade and made me think of the opening credits where Dexter is cooking a porkchop. Beau is probably the only “normal” person on this show and seeing them have a fight that was so “real” was almost too personal to watch.

Because of this, I almost want to go back to the safety of seeing Tom Schwartz where a muumuu and talking about how he is desensitized to boobs. Until next week, my five faithful readers. XOXO.

I was inspired by Scheana  tonight to make a pan of enchiladas like in last week’s episode of Vanderpump Rules. As I was stuffing each flour tortilla shells with the enchilada gloop, I was struck at how labor intensive it was for Scheana to make 7 aluminum steaming pans for her friends. That must have taken her hours! Maybe even 15 hours worth of television time, as long as we’ve watched the opening of TomTom this season

The moment is finally here, the opening of TomTom. We’re all like the old Rose in Titanic reminiscing about how it’s been “82 years” at this point but it’s finally here. Tom and Ariana are getting ready, Tom is wearing a funny beanie. Tom and Katie are also getting ready and Katie starts to talk about how she feels neglected; which, after seeing the preview for this episode, we know that they’re going to have a big fight about this in Mexico, but they have to set it up.

Tom Sandoval spent $18,000 on a custom motorcycle and sidecar for the TomTom opening. As Ariana put it, he looks like “James Bond in a Wes Anderson movie”. He thought of everything, the gloves, the custom helmets and the tiny no-show socks but oops, he forgot to fill up his gas tank. The editing of Tom and Tom riding on the motorcycle was brilliant and goofy. Tom Schwartz just looks like someone who should always be in a sidecar.

The VPR cast got a special table at TomTom, but there wasn’t room for Scheana who had to sit at the kids table with her “bestie” Adam. Brittany is still recovering from an ulcer and decides that slowly drinking a chilled shot of tequila will be the best for her fragile stomach. Katie is tugging at Tom Schwartz’s sleeve like a 5-year-old girl trying to get accessories for her Barbie Dream House from her parents.

Lisa decides to confront Lala about her argument at SUR during the opening of TomTom. Of course, Lala lies, I would, but Scheana doesn’t and now Lala looks like a big liar and James looks like an innocent, bambi-eyed angel.

How wise is it for Tom Sandoval to take Lisa Vanderpump AKA Queen Bee AKA the most valuable cargo on a motorcycle on a night he’s probably been guzzling down his own boozy cocktails?

Finally, the TomTom opening is behind us and we can all move on with our lives. As the cast is packing for Mexico, Beau gives Stassi a shot of tequila dressed up in a T-Rex costume. During this time, we find out from Stassi that Beau has promised to go down on her if she has a “birthday-style meltdown” which is both iconic and insane.

Speaking of meltdown, Kristen plans on being cool as a cucumber on this Mexico trip. Considering how Katie is about to explode at Tom Schwartz, I believe it this time. I would feel jealous too if my boyfriend got upgraded to first class and I didn’t but it wouldn’t put me into a rage. Like it’s just a two-hour flight. I’d rather watch “Eat, Pray, Love”, eat some pretzels and pay for some shitty house wine than interact with anyone on a place.

Back in LA, James has to hang out with Max . Max has always seemed like a totally normal and balanced person and he doesn’t fit in with the cast because he’s not crazy. I like that James was rewarded by his dad for his sobriety by drinking a beer.

The episode ends in Mexico where Katie and Tom Schwartz had a vintage Tom and Katie fight. There’s a part of me that understands Katie’s frustration with Tom, it feels shitty to have to fight for the attention of your partner because they have the attention span of a Labrador Retriever. Yet, when an annoyance gets built up like that and fueled by alcohol, everything just gets worse and worse. I think we can all agree that Tom Schwartz needs to pay more attention to Katie, but also that Katie needs to put a lid on the outburst. They could have easily talked about this without fighting, but fortunately for us, and Tom and Ariana as their neighbors, we get to see it all go down.

Until next week where the Mexico trip resumes, my five faithful readers. XOXO.